


Absolute Chaos With Mo & Joce

by LamoTwins



Category: Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F, Gen, Just in passing though, Multi, Winston the Bulldog, and not in a positive way, unfortunate Patrick Kane mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 19:41:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14064144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LamoTwins/pseuds/LamoTwins
Summary: Monique and Jocelyne Lamoureux are given their own NHL Network talk show.  Think of Garbage Time With Katie Nolan, but with hockey players!  Monique has high hopes for the show, but shenanigans quickly ensue.





	Absolute Chaos With Mo & Joce

“Welcome to Smack Talk With Mo & Joce on NHL Network!  I'm Monique Lamoureux-Morando, coming at you today live from our new studio in New York with my twin sister, Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson,” Monique started off excitedly.

 

“Let's get right to it,” she continued with a wild grin, “The USA men's sledge hockey team took home gold at the Paralympics earlier this month, completing an Olympic cycle that kept Canada from winning any hockey gold medals and-”

 

“WHAT'S GOOD, CANADA!” Jocelyne interrupted, effectively ending that storyline.  She pressed the button (an earlier request that was actually more of a manic demand) that started blasting The Final Countdown through the set.

 

Monique gave her sister an exasperated look but couldn't quite hide the fact that she was also delighting in Canada's misfortune.

 

“Continuing with the show,” Monique began again, “We broke into the Chicago Blackhawks locker room this past weekend and stole Patrick Kane's sticks.  And his skates. And we put glitter in his helmet*.”

 

*They hadn't actually done any of this, unfortunately

 

Jocelyne broke in again, “It's definitely not because he's a big bag of dicks!”

 

Monique glanced up at the producer nervously and then looked over at her sister.

“Joce I don't think you can say dicks on this show...”

 

“Oh ok well then I meant IT'S DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE HE'S A BIG BAG OF PENISES AND A BALD SPOT!” 

 

Monique looked down at her tablet to check on the next order of business, hoping that they hadn't just lost their brand-new jobs for saying that Patrick Kane was a dick.  Well. Multiple dicks. An entire bag of dicks. And a bald spot. Monique began again.

 

“We have a few guest stars today!”

At that, Winston the bulldog crashed through several members of the set crew, upended the chairs that were reserved for their guests, and landed right in front of Jocelyne's end of the desk.

 

Jocelyne started to speak again, “It's just Winston.  He's our only guest. Honest.”

 

At that, Monique's eyes started to bore holes into Jocelyne's soul.

 

“Ok fine, Hilary Knight is here too.  That's cool I guess.” Jocelyne acquiesced.

 

Hilary did not come out onto the set like Joce and Mo had expected.  Winnie sat there, panting and drooling, still winded from his run from the elevator to the desk.  Monique checked her watch.

 

“Knighter, please come out of there,” she called out to her left, where she knew Hilary was hiding behind the mic man.

 

Hilary's voice carried out to the twins, “No, Joce doesn't want me there, she only cares about Winnie!”

Monique turned to her twin sister, “Joce I will KILL you,” she said threateningly.

 

Knighter stood up.

“I just wanted to be on your new show and have fun with you guys,” she pouted.

 

Suddenly, a familiar and terrifying voice rang out, shocking both of the twins, and terrifying Jocelyne.

“I'M KILLING YOU, JOCE!”

 

It was Meghan Duggan.  Jocelyne was as good as dead.

 

“Uhhhh, can we cut to a commercial break?  Can we do that?” Monique turned to her crew and asked.  A few of them shrugged, looking around at each other.

 

Jocelyne got in one last plea for her life before the network abruptly cut to a break.

“It was a JOKE!”

  
  


As the twins THOUGHT that commercials had started playing on the TVs of the viewers at home, they were in for another surprise when they heard a familiar, also slightly scary voice come from behind where their captain was standing with her arms crossed.

 

“Kill?” the voice asked.

 

“Yes.” Meghan said, still staring directly at Jocelyne, who was running a cost/benefit analysis in her head, weighing the option of jumping out of the window to her right, which would allow her to escape, with the potential consequences of multiple broken bones and a whole lot of road rash.

 

“Well I guess if it makes you happy,” the voice said again.

 

Meghan turned around.

“Gill, you don't have to stay back there, you are allowed over here with me, you know,” she pointed out.

 

“Oh god.  Apps.” was all that the twins had to say.

 

Winnie trotted back over to Hilary, who was once again attempting to hide herself.  All 5'11” of herself. It wasn't working.

 

“I'm just gonna...go?” Jocelyne spoke, inching around the desk and putting herself in what she hoped was a good position to outrun Meghan.  To the chagrin of everyone who was at home watching the segment, one of those horrible Mesothelioma lawyer commercials broke in at the very moment that Jocelyne Lamoureux made a break for it.

  
  


Meanwhile in Montreal, Caroline Ouellette was folding laundry and watching the twins' new show on NHL Network.  It was certainly...interesting, she supposed. She also supposed that Julie ought to be seeing what was unfolding on the screen.  Sighing, Caro got up and walked to the kitchen, where Julie was attempting to make them cookies. Attempting.

 

“Julie, cherie, have you seen this?” Caro motioned towards the TV that was still playing in the living room.

 

“Seen what?” Julie asked, rounding the corner just in time to see Hilary Knight pouting about Jocelyne Lamoureux not wanting her on the show.  (Jocelyne would later have to defend herself against this, she really did want Hilary there, she explained, it's just so much fun to mess with her sometimes!)

 

Julie turned to Caro, wooden spoon in hand.  “Joce is dead,” she stated evenly, pointing the spoon at Caro.

 

“Right, I'll pack our bags if you go grab the kid,” Caro bargained.

 

“Liv is right here, Caro,” Julie pointed to the baby swing that their young daughter was currently sitting in.

 

“I meant Poulin,” Caro explained, “I didn't think you had to be reminded that we needed to bring our own daughter with us...”

  
  


Back in New York, Monique was attempting to get her show back on track.  After yesterday's episode, she needed something good. Something stable. She figured that what she had coming up next was a winner.

 

“And now we'll take a live look at the Kunlun Red Star's press conference before they take on the Markham Thunder in the CWHL's Clarkson Cup final,” Monique read confidently.

 

The broadcast cut into the presser, where Kelli Stack was holding up a book.  A book that looked extremely familiar to anyone who had seen 2004's comedic masterpiece Mean Girls.  Monique knew that she and Jocelyne were once again careening towards a television disaster.

 

“...and this is my USA Hockey Burn Book,” Kelli was saying as the audio caught up to the broadcast, “This page right here says that Robb Stauber is a fugly slut who-”

 

“Kelli please,” Noora Raty cut her off, knowing that things could only go down from where they were.

 

Zoe Hickel turned to Kelli, saying to her in what she had thought was a very quiet whisper but was actually heard by everyone watching the broadcast, “Kelli we talked about this.”

 

On Kelli's other side, Alex Carpenter leaned down close to her mic, “I'm just here to play hockey.”

 

But nobody was paying attention to Alex, as Kelli's currently unfolding struggle to keep control of her Burn Book and keep it out of Noora and Zoe's reach was far more interesting to watch.

 

In the background, Jocelyne's muffled voice could be heard saying first, “This is why Stack didn't make the fucking team,” which was followed by a scandalized, “Joce!!!” from her sister, and the sound of a smack and an “Ow!” from Jocelyne herself.

 

The broadcast cut back to the studio just in time for everyone to see Meghan Duggan standing behind the twins, dramatically pointing her finger at Monique.

“Don't hit her, she's right,” Meghan warned.

 

Both twins jumped and turned around, yelling, “Jesus Christ, Meghan, you're still HERE???”

 

Gillian, still not comfortable coming out onto the set despite having been there the day before, called out, “Meghan I TOLD you it was weird to sleep in the studio overnight!”

 

Meghan turned to Gillian, pointing her finger, “It wasn't weird until you made it weird!”

 

Hilary Knight's voice suddenly came out from under a chair, “It's a bit weird, Megs.  My neck is stiff now and I'm pretty sure that Winston pooped in Joce's spare shoes. Why did you need me to stay here too, anyways?”

 

At this, everyone jumped, including Meghan, who hadn't actually told Hilary to stay at the studio overnight with her and Gillian.

 

Another jump ensued as the doors to the set suddenly flew open, revealing Julie Chu.

 

“WE HAVE ARRIVED,” Julie yelled hysterically, arms thrown out to the side.  The flight from Montreal to New York with a screaming infant in the plane had been rough on her.

 

“Please don't do that when you're holding the child,” Caro implored.

 

Julie looked down at her hand, which was indeed holding someone.

“Oh sorry Pou,” she said, “my bad.”

 

“I'm not a child,” whined Marie-Philip Poulin, who was also exhausted from the flight down.

 

“Hang on,” Caro started, “Julie...where is Liv?  I told you to get her out of her seat.”

 

“Oh I thought you meant to get Pou,” Julie scratched her head thoughtfully.

 

Caro turned to Marie-Philip.

“Pou.  Where did Julie leave our child?”

 

“Um,” Poulin did not know, but she felt she needed to say something.

 

Hilary, who had moved to stand over by the window, suddenly spoke.

“Hey guys, it looks like a cab is pulling away down there.”

 

Caro lunged at Julie.

 

“Moms, no!” Poulin cried.

 

Hilary walked over to her.

“I think we should make out,” she said seriously, “that might help.”

 

“Ok,” Pou shrugged, “sure!”

 

Back behind the desk, Meghan turned to her fiancee.

“Gillian!  Fix this!”

 

Gillian was a little afraid of what Meghan would come up with if she didn't propose a solution quick enough, so she looked directly into Meghan's eyes and revealed her grand plan.

“We should follow that cab.”

  
  


Down on the street, Kelli Stack was wearing a fake moustache and driving away with l'enfant Chullette.

  
  


Back up in the studio, Gillian and Meghan had left to pursue the cab that was speeding away with baby Liv.  Hilary and Marie-Philip were making out in the corner. Monique, having heard Hilary's reasoning for the makeout session, was struggling to keep everything under control.

 

“Knighter! NO! That doesn't help ANYTHING!  Keep it in your pants!”

 

Hilary briefly broke off the kiss to turn to Monique, “I don't wear pants.  And it was helpful to me!” 

 

She turned back to Marie-Philip, grinning as they continued their fun.

 

Next to Monique, Jocelyne was looking at them with a mixture of fear and confusion  Her eye twitched.

 

“What the fuck,” Jocelyne said, “What the actual fuck.  Hilary...are you making out with a Canadian? You know what, do what you want.  What the fuck. Oh my god what the fuck.”

 

This time, Poulin broke the kiss.  However, Hilary spoke first.

“We weren't making out, I don't know what you're talking about,” she let out.

 

“Hils, your hand is up her shirt and you're not wearing pants.”

 

“To be fair, she wasn't wearing pants when we started,” Poulin began, “besides, I'm not even on your team!  I'll do what I want!”

 

Monique rubbed her temples.

“Who.  Who. You'll do WHO you want.”

 

“That too,” Pou stated cheerfully.

 

Meghan and Gillian walked back in, followed by Julie and Caro, who was holding Liv, not keen on letting her firstborn out of her sight anytime soon.  At the sight of a pantsless Hilary, Meghan put her hand over her face.

 

“Can we PLEASE get her some pants?  Some sweats? Anything?” Meghan begged.

 

Jocelyne immediately flung 5 pairs of sweatpants in the direction of Hilary and Marie-Philip.

“You can have these.  All of them. Please, for the love of god.  Put some pants on. And god why is your hand still up her shirt?”

 

Hilary, pulling the pants on and sniffing indignantly, said, “My hand was just cold.  I don't know how it ended up under her shirt.”

 

The twins and Meghan all rolled their eyes at that.

 

“I put it there,” Poulin piped up matter-of-factly.  “You were taking too long.”

 

“Alright, too much information,” Monique said, “but why is it still there?  Can't you move her hand?”

 

“Sure,” Marie replied, sliding Hilary's hand further up her own shirt.

 

“NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!” Monique shrieked.

 

Just then, Gillian walked up to them, having just inspected all of the equipment on the set in order to avoid looking at Hilary and Marie-Philip.

“Hey, did you guys know that the cameras were still rolling?” Gillian asked.

 

Meghan sighed.

“I'm going to lose my captaincy for this.  That's it. I'm done.”

 

Hilary, finally wearing pants, spoke up from behind them.

“Is this so you can start that welding career?”  She asked.

 

Meghan and Gillian exchanged a confused look.

“Welding?” Meghan asked.

 

“Yeah, isn't that what your to-do list said?  I swear I saw the word welding on there,” Hilary questioned, “it was on the list next to your laptop.”

 

Neither Meghan nor Gillian knew what Hilary was referring to.

 

“I mean, you could,” Gillian told Meghan, “if you wanted to.  I mean I wouldn't recommend it so close to the wedding in case you get burned or something, but-”

 

“Wedding, Hils, the list said wedding.  Not welding.” Meghan had suddenly realized what Hilary was talking about.

 

Monique got Hilary's attention again.

 

“Hilary Atwood Knight!  Why is your hand STILL under her shirt?”

 

“Well, you didn't say WHERE to move my hand, Mo,” she pointed out.

 

'“She did what you said!” Marie cackled maniacally.

 

“Hilary. Get your hand out of her shirt.”  Monique was not having any more of this. She was not.

 

“Ok,” Hilary replied cheerfully, “down her pants it is, I guess!”

 

“NO!” yelled Mo.

 

“Yes?” questioned Pou.

 

“NO! Stop that!” came Jocelyne's voice.

 

Despite Gillian's comment that the cameras were still rolling, nobody except for her and Meghan had noticed the NHL Network cameramen still filming.  One of the crew members was looking at his phone, shocked by what he saw.

“Our ratings have never been this high before,” he mumbled, “Do...do we keep rolling?”

 

Meghan was done trying to protect the hockey players from themselves.

“Keep rolling,” she told him, “you keep rolling and see what happens.”

 

Meghan then walked back over to Hilary and the others.

“Hilary, how come you always manage to do exactly what is asked of you, but somehow also the complete opposite of what was intended by the original request?”

 

Hilary was confused.  She had never done anything wrong ever in her life.

“I don't know what you mean, Megs.”

 

Gillian, having followed Meghan over to them, hadn't spent quite enough time around Hilary yet to truly understand what Meghan was referring to.

“Babe?  Isn't that a bit harsh?” she asked.

 

“Oh no Gill, watch this.”

“Oh Hilary,” Meghan said, grabbing Knight's attention, “Joce's desk is a bit messy now and she can't have it looking like that during the broadcast.  Can you take care of that for me?”

 

“Oh sure Megs, I'm on it,” Hilary replied, “just let me get Pou to help.”

Hilary turned to Marie-Philip.

“Hey, Marie,” she said, “I could use some help with this”

 

“I'll open the window!” Pou said helpfully.

 

Hilary then lifted the entire desk up with one hand, walked over to the window, and threw the desk out onto the sidewalk below.

 

“Meghan,” Hilary called, “it's been taken care of, don't worry.”

 

Caro came over and peered out the window, smirking when she saw what lay below.

“Wow, looks like the desk landed on the bench I had Hickel, Carpenter, and Raty tie Stack to.  Funny how that happened,” Caro told them, and then smirked again.

 

“Oh my,” Gillian gasped.

 

Jocelyne rubbed her face.

“My snacks were in there...”

 

Monique was more impressed.

“Hilary didn't even break a sweat.  I'm kind of amazed.”

 

Meghan was about to pass out.

“How did she do that when her hand was still.  There. Still there. I refuse to say it. Hilary!  Hand. Out! I mean it!”

 

Right then, Zoe Hickel, Alex Carpenter, and Noora Raty bounced onto the set and up to the other women.  They had flown down to New York to stop Kelli after they had discovered her plan to kidnap Liv Chu-Ouellette in the Burn Book that had fallen out of Kelli's bag and been left behind in the hotel room she had been sharing with Zoe.

 

“Hey, uh,” Zoe began, having seen the desk land on Kelli, “are we worried about Stack at all?”

 

“NO!”

 

Nobody said anything.  None of them had heard that voice before.  Even Caro was shocked. Everyone turned around to look at Liv, who had just said her first word.  Eventually, the silence was broken.

 

“Did she just....” Monique didn't even know how to ask what she wanted to know.

 

Jocelyne, however, had no such problem.

“DID SOMEONE GET THAT ON TAPE?”

 

Down on the sidewalk, a very confused passerby heard Kelli Stack's pained voice saying, “Oh! A honey bun!” coming from a desk that looked like it had crushed the bus stop bench.  It just so happened that Caro had heard Kelli, too.

 

“Hilary, I think there are some armchairs up here that we need to get rid of as well.  Just put them where you put the desk. On top of that kidnapping Stack. This is not an act of bitterness or revenge, I promise, the chairs just need to go!”

 

“Oh sure Caro,” Hilary said, grabbing a chair with each of her hands and tossing them out the window.

 

“I can't believe you just lied to Hilary,” Julie hissed at Caro.

 

“Well, if she's happy to do it, I'm not going to make her unhappy about it.  Besides, you were thinking it too,” groused Caro, still sore from the kidnapping, and not having been all that fond of Kelli Stack in the first place.

 

“Hey, can I have a Red Bull now?  I'm a bit thirsty,” complained Hilary.

 

“Not without putting those pants back on,” the twins said, wondering when exactly she had taken them back off.

 

Hilary, pouting the whole time she pulled the sweats back on, started talking to Julie.

“She didn't lie, Chuey.  I just heard 'get rid of some chairs', and I really like throwing things,” Hilary explained.  “I also don't really like Kelli that much, so it's a win-win.”

 

Monique suddenly realized that it had happened again.  She had lost control of her own show. Oh hell. She needed to go home and have a drink.  Mo dragged her sister off the set, down the hall, and into the elevator. Eventually they made it to the lobby and walked to the doors.  Monique groaned when she saw what waited for them. A crowd of reporters had gathered, apparently waiting and hoping that someone from the show would be leaving.  One of them thrust his microphone into their faces.

 

“How does it feel knowing that you two have the highest rated show to ever air on the NHL Network?” he asked.

 

Jocelyne opened her mouth to say something, but squeaked when Monique pinched her side.

“Don't answer that, Joce.  We need to go home.”

 

Jocelyne quickly recovered from her sister's pinch.

“THAT SHIT WAS LIT!  We had all the cool people!  Did you guys SEE Knighter throw that desk???”

 

“Oh.  My. God.  Oh my god. Joce, I'm going home.  With or without you,” Monique said, walking off.

 

Jocelyne followed, not wanting to be left to take a cab with Hilary and Marie-Philip.  She shuddered at the thought of having to watch more of them being so into each other.

 

“Yep, yep.  Coming. Right behind you,” Jocelyne called after Monique.

 

ROLL CREDITS


End file.
